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Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....