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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.