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Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don`t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P