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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.