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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
Wesley Snipes was released from prison this week. Now he can finally begin filming "Blade 4: Twilight."
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!