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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.