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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.