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Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
I have a PHD (Pretty Huge d*ck)
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?