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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
This century is already 15% over.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.