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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
My girlfriend told me that Iām starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*