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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.