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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.