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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
Where is the button to restart summer?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.