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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Does anyone know when is the cut-off date to stop wishing someone Happy New Years?
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.