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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.