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I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
There’s a good reason I’m up this late: because I have to wake up really early.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!