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I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.