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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house