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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!