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Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.