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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
A gentle reminder about Daylight Savings Time: If you thought last Monday sucked, this one will prove to be much, much worse.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.