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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Plan B includes margaritas.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.