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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.