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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
My goal weight is,"someone give that girl a cheeseburger."