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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.