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Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.