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Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
Not so great minds also think alike.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%