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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.