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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.