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The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.