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I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"