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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
The secret to success is in my bra.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone