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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
I`d like to eat healthy, but we all know what happened that time Eve ate an apple. Best not to risk it.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.