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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
You can`t be late until you show up
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.