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Have you hugged you bartender today.
I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.