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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.