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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
I was just told that I over-analyze things. I need a couple of days to think about that before deciding if I should be offended.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.