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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Stop saying `all the men are the same` who told you to try them all..WHORE!!?¿
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
My favorite beer is an open one.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.