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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.