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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?