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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.