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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?