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"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
when i was little my dad told me that the icecream man only played music when he ran out of icecream well played dad well played
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY!! (To all of my FB friends, please don`t read this until the appropriate day)
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused