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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.