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I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.