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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?