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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers