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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel