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French people give me the crepes.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.