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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.