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The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.