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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.