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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks