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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops