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Aging is inevitable, Maturing is optional.
I see the Seven Deadly Sins as more of a To-Do list.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
The problem with diets is pizza.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.