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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem