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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.