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Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.