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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Lay-Z: My rapper name.
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car