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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress