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My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards